WEMOOCH

The Lake District is in the north-west of England. There's loads of lakes up that way, which is why it's called the Lake District. If you're into hiking, there's some massive hills to climb. The whole place is basically just lakes and big hills and fields and stuff, no real towns about.

It's a really popular spot which surprised me a bit as you can't even get a phone signal in most places. It'll probably get even busier soon as a company called UNESCO is buying it. Hopefully, they'll sort out the reception as I couldn't even check in on my snapgram.

Someone said Beatrix Potter and William Wordsworth used to go there years ago whoever they are.

The biggest mountain in England is there, Scafell Pike. I went up it to see if I could get a better signal but it pissed it down on the way up. When I got back down I were well soaked and had to get dried off and changed in a stinky portaloo. I couldn't even flush it and you could see all the shite piled up at the bottom, proper gross.

I'm not surprised Potter and Wordsworth haven't been back.

There's supposed to be loads of red squirrels about but I didn't see any. Apparently, big grey American squirrels have come over and kicked their arses. If the yank squirrels keep winning, by 2030 there'll be no red ones left. Sounds like they could use a helping hand so someones set up a crowdfunding thingy

Photographing the Lake District

If you're into landscape pictures, you can get things to fit on your camera called neutral density filters. They're good for making things seem like they're moving even though it's just a still picture. It's a good special effect type thingy for lakes as it makes the water look all soft and blurry. It's also good at stopping too much light wrecking your shot, basically, it acts like a pair of shades for your camera.

You'll get some proper goods shots up this way, especially high up. One of the big hills is Hardknott pass, on the way to a lake called Wast Water. This is my favourite lake as not so many people go there and it's more rugged and rocky compared to the more popular, busier ones.

The sun was setting as I arrived at Wast Water and it were proper windy. It felt like I was on another planet. One of the other lakes called Ullswater is also good. I camped here right at the lake's edge but got woke up far too early in the morning by a couple of mad women swimming with dogs.

There's a big pond called Blea Tarn somewhere around there which was pretty good too.

Completely Useless Facts about the Lake District

• Statistically speaking, there's only one actual lake in the Lake District and that's Lake Bassenthwaite. All the others including the popular Windermere, Coniston, Ullswater and Derwent are meres or waters.
• The Lake District is in the county of Cumbria which is home to more microbreweries than any other British county.
• At 978 metres Scafell Pike is Englands highest mountain. It's also home to Britains highest war memorial, given to the National Trust in memory of those who died in the Great War.
• A graphite mine at Seathwaite, first discovered in the 1550s, provided the natural resource required to make the worlds very first pencil. The history of this humble item of stationery is charted at the Pencil Museum in Keswick.
• Wast Water in Wasdale is almost 3 miles (4.8 km) long and over one-third of a mile (540 m) wide. It's a glacial lake and the deepest in England. Both the lake and Wasdale Screes are protected as Sites of Special Scientific Interest under European Union law as Special Areas of Conservation.